i swear to god, men raising their voice is the most terrifying thing in the whole world. they dont understand, like its an immediate panic response, game over
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I actually had no idea women found this so scary
my downstairs neighbors fight on a regular basis, and every time he starts yelling i’m a little afraid he’s going to kill her. i have no reason to think this except that he is a man and he is angry
My math teacher has a loud voice and a temper and he scares the living shit out of me almost everyday. He’s made me and other kids cry more than once and he and his teacher buddies make a joke out of terrifying students.
this was women in general? i knew my gf didn’t like it but I was unaware if this affected most women
Yes, it does
As a woman, I had no idea it effected other women like this. I was too afraid to even talk about it. I thought I was weak. Thanks for bringing attention to this.
My dad thinks it’s funny that I used to cry when he raised his voice. I freak out whenever some one does. Once my director did, and I started crying I couldn’t stop. I’m glad to see I’m not alone…
This is so important– seeing how common this is– and I also want you all to know that this is not normal. It isn’t something instinctively ingrained into women, to be afraid of men. There is no natural state of men being a threat that women constantly have to be afraid of. This is cultural. So many women and girls here have a mutual understanding of this feeling, and I think it really shows an unsettling truth about our society, particularly about how men are raised to act and how so many women have this defensive reaction gradually develop. It’s so important that these people have their voices heard, because it teaches us about problems that we just can’t deny the existence of any longer.
I’m glad I’m not the only one
My fellow men, pay attention. I didn’t realize how scary this could be until one of my exes explained it to me, and it’s heartbreaking.
Also, when we move too much during an argument, or lean forward, it’s scary, and I never knew. I was even a little insulted at first, because surely she didn’t think I would hurt her. But see, that doesn’t matter. It wasn’t a sign that she mistrusted me specifically; it’s a conditioned response. (Although if you keep doing it once you realize it scares her, she SHOULDN’T trust you.)
Not every woman has been physically harmed by a man she trusted, but every woman KNOWS a woman who has.
I used to be horrible about this, because I didn’t realize how intimidating it was. I didn’t understand why the woman I was with clammed up or tried to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, and I only got angrier, and acted even more like an asshole. It was wrong. It was abusive. It didn’t matter if I INTENDED it that way; it was still emotionally abusive. And it was inexcusable.
I get that when passions are high, and when you’re frustrated, it’s a natural tendency to let your voice get louder, to shout and gesture and lean forward. But you can train yourself to do better. You can train yourself to keep more of an even tone, to refrain from large and fast gestures, to not lean into her personal space. I did. I’m not perfect at it yet, but goddamn it, I WILL be.
Don’t tell me it’s too hard, that you just can’t do it, or that you “shouldn’t have to.” I’m 53 years old and just now getting the hang of it, and if this old dog can learn something new, so can you.
Note to guys: It really, REALLY doesn’t matter if you’re thinking, “but I would never…”
History is littered with the bodies of women who believed a man “would never.” This includes women killed by men who honestly, deeply, truly believed they “would never”… right up until she said that one thing or moved in just that way and he just got so mad, just that once, and pushed her or punched her or slashed her or shot her… just once, y’know, to shut her up, or because she was flinching and didn’t she know that HE’S NOT LIKE THAT and I’LL TEACH HER TO BE AFRAID OF ME…
We are trained, from infancy, that Men With Loud Voices are a source of pain from which we cannot escape, and attempts to escape may result in more pain. And as soon as we’re old enough to comprehend a world broader than our immediate circle, a world that extends into the past and will run into the future, we realize that there is no way, no way at all, to tell which men “would never” and which men “would never… except if.”
We live or die on that “if.” And any man who doesn’t like facing that hyper-vigilance can work on fixing OTHER MEN, not women’s fear.
The reaction shouldn’t be “not all men are like that;” it should be “no woman should have to live in fear.”
It’s telling that so many people will hear a story of long-term abuse and say, “why did she stay with him?” and not “why did he treat her like that?”
This made me cry.
Don’t skip over this.
Every single time. And it doesn’t matter if the yelling is even directed at me, like a pervious person said, if I hear men yelling in adjacent apartments, at each other, at the TV, I’m immediately terrified. I hate it and I feel like I’m over reacting, but my dad punched my sister in the face when she was a teenager, he brutalized my mom for 5 years, and he’s a soft spoken dude, he only ever raised his voice in anger.
If you yell at me, there is a decent chance I’ll just burst into tears. The likelihood goes up if you are male. I hate that reaction, and I have ZERO control over it - courtesy of a shitty childhood.
I hate how much I relate to this thread. It is true. Due to my past it is a learned behavior. When I exhausted or just relaxed, even a fast movement from someone I trust can make me raise my hands in defense. It’s not intentional. It is in fact irrational. But, so deep rooted that I cannot stop it.
This is REALLY heavy. Like, really really heavy. @thecomicbookj doesn’t get why I “jump in” when he raises his voice at the dog or our daughter. Even when he’s being completely reasonable and giving a disciplinary conversation, if his voice raises volume at all, I immediately go in the defense and feel I’ve got to “protect” them. And don’t even get me started in when he (or other men) raises his voice in my direction.
I really 100% thought I was just anxious and fragile and it was all in my own head. Come to find our all y’all are having this same experience. Jesus.
Yep. Sometimes Super Daddy raises his voice when he gets worked up about something (excited, annoyed/pissed off at someone who isn’t me) and it makes me tense up and go silent. Sometimes I start crying.
Well damn. This hits pretty hard. I am a big man with a loud voice. I did not know this affected my girls like this. Especially since I have had anger issues when I was younger. I took anger management classes for over 5 years. I have never touched any of my girls in anger but I guess I can be a pretty scary guy when I am angry.
I have some more work to do to be a better man. I will start now.
@parskis Thank you so much for sharing this! I am going to be a better man as a direct result of you sharing this. Isn’t that how to change the world? One man at a time. You should be proud of this one. I hope you are in a good place in your life!
For @instructor144‘s raised voices anon, hat tip to @daddyandhislittleprincess11102 for helping track it down.
I will always reblog this.
“… we realize that there is no way, no way at all, to tell which men “would never” and which men “would never… except if.” -@elfwreck
received this incomprehensible email from my ornithology professor
the fucking eagles got him
Saturday morning purr sesh (make sure to turn on the sound)
blankie is best blankie ever
i could tell even before turning on the sound that cat is indescribably happy.
